Last week Sarah Brady, an ex-girlfriend of actor Jonah Hill, started posting screenshots of text messages the couple exchanged during their year-long relationship to her Instagram account.
In the messages, which have now gone viral, Hill shares a list of actions he'd like Brady, who is a surfer, model and law student, not to do. He includes "surfing with men," "to post pictures of yourself in a bathing suit," and "to model."
"These are my boundaries for romantic partnership," he says in the text.
The screenshots sparked discussion around Hill's use of the word "boundaries" and how what we know as "therapy-speak" can be invoked to justify questionable behavior.
"Therapy speak has become weaponized in many ways," says Lisa Marie Bobby, psychologist and founder of Growing Self Counseling & Coaching in Denver. "People take ideas that look, feel, and sometimes sound quite virtuous and healthy, but then use them in ways that effectively control or harm other people and relationships."
It's hard to respond to someone who is accusing you of violating them, she says.
"By saying, 'you're failing to respect my boundaries,' it is effectively stopping the conversation and accusing someone else of being inappropriate," Bobby says. "It's a misappropriation of the idea."
'Unregulated, unmanaged anxiety' can contribute to 'dysfunction'
Bobby notes that she isn't diagnosing Hill or Brady, but the way Hill is using the word "boundaries" is similar to how highly anxious people use it.
It is also incorrect.
A boundary is about your own actions, not someone else's, Bobby says. Setting a boundary with your partner might sound like: "You can text me while I'm at work, but I won't respond until the end of the day because I need to focus." There is no directive for the other person.
Hill's text message is about Brady's actions, though.
"What we frequently see is people who have anxiety in relationships seek to manage their own anxiety by controlling the behavior of others," Bobby says.
They tell their partner and themselves, "If you stopped doing this action I wouldn't have anxiety." They then call that demand a "boundary."
Controlling someone else's action does not reduce anxiety, though. In fact, it can contribute to a toxic relationship.
"I do think that unregulated, unmanaged anxiety, particularly relational anxiety, contributes to dysfunction in relationships and needs to be actively resolved, or at least managed, by the anxious person," Bobby says.
How to respond to a partner's controlling behavior
If you're in a relationship and being asked to participate or not participate in certain activities, it's important to think about your own boundaries, Bobby says. She offers some pointers:
- Before agreeing to terms just to make the other person feel safe or comfortable, ask yourself, "Does this seem reasonable to me?"
- Have a clear conversation about what you need from your partner, emotionally. Bobby suggest saying something like, "If you want to be in a relationship with me, here's what I need from you: emotional intelligence, emotional regulation skills, and you being able to manage your anxiety in a way that doesn't spill over to control me and my life."
- Be clear about what you won't do. Tell your partner, "I'm not willing to collude with you in this idea that controlling me is an effective anxiety management strategy. It is not my job to manage your anxiety for you," Bobby suggests.
These conversations can actually redirect your relationship in a more positive direction, Bobby says, as your partner might not realize their demands are stemming from anxiety.
"It's important to give honest and clear feedback to people," she says.
Clear communication is the only way you might be able to turn a toxic situation which requires your complete compliance with being controlled into an opportunity for growth.
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